The Year Everything Changed — My COVID Journal: 365 days of Global Transformation
“Even the bad things taught me good things.” - Headline from Chicago’s DailyHerald.com, Friday March 12, 2021
The last year has been one for the history books. More changed on this planet in the last 365 days than have ever changed in one lap around the sun.
On March 4th, 2020, I had a sense that our world was about to change in a big way. Somehow, I had the foresight to start documenting the experience in a daily journal.
The idea was more a prophylactic against a threat to my own mental health than of documentation, but the benefits became clear very quickly.
As the feelings of uncertainty began to overtake me in February, I started to have flashbacks to another time in my life when our family was faced with a medical crisis. It was during this experience that I first remember using a daily journal to survive emotional trauma.
Surviving a Medical Crisis
In September of 2011, when I learned my then husband was facing a life threatening open-heart surgery, it seemed my life was crumbling. At the time, I was working a demanding full-time management position while raising three precocious school-age children. Let’s just say my stress level was fairly high, already.
But when my I heard my husband’s cardiologist explain the options available for treatment, I remember a survival instinct surface in me that was unfamiliar at the time. Thankfully, I listened to this voice inside that reminded me to ‘put on my oxygen mask’ first, even if I did not understand the full reason for my behavior.
In the midst of considering the medical decisions we were faced with, something told me I needed to start getting some of what was happening out on paper, if only for myself to look back on and understand how I survived. I certainly was not prepared for the decisions as a 37 year old mother of a 14, 8, and 2 year old who were all depending on me to survive. It seemed this was not a time for me to think about how MY HEALTH was impacted by this situation, it was a time to do what needed to be done.
To cope, I started a daily journal for myself to help make sense of all the emotions colliding inside me. Long after the crisis period was over, I still have a valuable memento of all the scary moments I faced which, to this day, still provides me with a feeling of self-confidence in my own capacity for resilience.
Flash forward to 2020 when this strategy came flooding back.
It was the familiarity of the overwhelming anxiety of uncertainty slowly rolling over me - the feeling of being tested and knowing that my ‘Survival Skills’ toolkit needed to be dusted off and opened — that motivated me to take action, if only to keep my balance for all who depend on me. I knew this feeling, and I knew what it would take to survive it.
I knew in the deepest part of my being, that the world, the country, and I was going to suffer a shock and trauma unlike anything in modern history. I’m sorry to say, my gut was spot on. Having been through more than one personal health crisis since that first experience in 2011, I can now recognize when my psyche is at risk.
By the beginning of March, 2020, I was certain the coronavirus was going to be more than just a minor news topic.
I started journaling on March 4th, 2020
My COVID Journal
It started slowly, with jotting down headlines of the day so I could step away from the news and feel like I knew the latest updates; I was particularly interested in the science updates and after 2 weeks watching the White House coronavirus task force press briefings, I learned that I had to work really hard to pull ‘science’ needles out of ‘political’ haystacks. It quickly became the part of my day I most looked forward to, not because it was good news, but because every single day, the news was different.
As the days ticked by, life continued, the virus surged, the shock and trauma was plentiful; sports events postponed and then seasons cancelled, workplaces deserted for home offices, bars and restaurants shuttered. All of a sudden and collectively, we were all acutely aware of our essential-ness to society; ‘essential workers’ bore the burden of caring for the sick, distributing the ‘essentials’ of food and necessary living supplies.
Those of us ‘sheltering in place’ found new ways to accomplish everyday tasks, and new ways to connect with our loved ones, through technology. At some point in that first week, ZOOM became a verb, toilet paper and antibacterial fluids became contraband, our vocabularies grew with new societal terms here to stay — social-distance, self-quarantine, shelter-in-place.
During the early days of the COVID pandemic, I was in awe of how an entire planet could ‘work together’ towards a common goal of SURVIVAL!
That impression of ‘working together’ was interrupted, however, when a 9 minute video of a police traffic stop in Minneapolis forced the country to take a long hard look in the mirror. The public outrage about the pattern of police violence against Black people in the US and beyond spurred a massive series of protests across the US, in major cities, and then around the world.
It was as if this one video, and the time we all had to really contemplate what it represents, had flipped a switch in the minds of millions; Black Lives Matter and the civil rights of marginalized communities gave us something we could care about and the George Floyd’s murder became the next collective trauma that many Americans experienced; mothers EVERYWHERE heard their own sons calling for them, The Wall of Moms formed in my hometown, followed by Dads with Leafblowers; leave it to Portland to make protesting Weird!
After the world watched George Floyd murdered in the streets, the collective anger fueled a movement powered by social media that spread at the speed of viral activism and ultimately led to a complete overturning of the power structure in this country, all within the time it takes to count (and recount) approximately 160 million votes.
Transformation!
And to punctuate our experience, this last year included record-breaking natural disasters — earthquakes, wildfires, tornadoes, floods, and hurricanes — in places where these climate events are not expected. It seemed the universe decided while we were all captivated by fighting a global pandemic, she would show us what our refusal to modify our lifestyle on her behalf would cost — just a sneak-preview for some motivation. When determining what we’ve learned from these collective traumas, it is helpful to note that within the last 6 months, at least 2 major vehicle manufacturers announced their plans to STOP producing carbon producing vehicles within 10–15 years.
Transformation!
To say we’ve undergone a transformation may be a stretch. Since we’re still going through it, only time will tell what will finally result from The Year Everything Changed. I think it’s safe to say it will be difficult to find anyone on planet Earth who has not been impacted by some trauma the last year.
I am just now finding the courage to read and reflect on the journal pages of the last year; at the suggestion of a friend, I decided to do it slowly, day-by-day, so I can reflect on this Transformational Year. I can manage the reflection in bite-sized moments; there were days when there was so much to digest, my mind and emotions went numb, a sort of trauma saturation. My strategy for reflection is as intentional as the strategy of documenting. My goal in reflection is to understand how I’ve changed and how the world has changed. This is not something I can do in one sitting, just the thought of it starts my heart racing, to which I’ve learned to take a deep breath and take it one day at a time.
Somehow it feels like this type of reflection should take its time.
I hope you’ll join me on this Year of Reflection. If you are looking for guidance on how to start your own Journaling Practice, please send me a message. I am planning to coach a small group in April to try reflect on how your life has changed through the COVID Pandemic and to try to determine what it means for the future.
March 11, 2020
March 12, 2020
March 13, 2020
